Li’l Girl Talk

“Li’l Girl Talk” from my two daughters

In no particular order:

  • “Mom, do you like driving behind seniors?” asks The Youngest, age 8.
  • “Mom, are we just searching for food samples?” says The Oldest, at Costco.
  • “2011 was my best year for Roll Up the Rim to Win,” says The Youngest, age 7.
  • “Would it be a good birthday present for you if I put 34 on your next birthday cake?” asks The Oldest.
  • What mood are you in? Your hungry mood or your healthy mood?” says The Oldest hopefully as we pass the cake display at Supetstore.
  • “I had a bad dream that my sister ate the last plain bagel. Then I was sleep crying,” says The Oldest.
  • “We should pick a warm and happy colour because in the mornings that room can be a stress pit,” says The Oldest, when asked what colour we should paint the mudroom.
  • Why isn’t Daddy’s hair standing on end like it usually is?” asks The Oldest. “Why does he wear the same shirt everyday?”
  • “Just to warn you, once I eat pepperoni, I want to eat more pepperoni,” says The Youngest.
  • “What do I smell?” asked The Oldest, age 9, as we entered the house tonight. “It’s that good food smell with a little bit of Daddy fart.”
  • “Mom, when you have a baby, do you have to take off your pants? Or does the doctor just cut a hole in them?” asks The Oldest.
  • “Mommy, would it hurt to put your private parts in a fire? Ya, that would be a dumb way to die,” says The Youngest, age 7.
  • The Hubster navigating six lanes of traffic on freeway in Tampa, trucks whizzing by, as we are trying to make sure we don’t miss an exit. This is what The Youngest shouts from the backseat: “Daddy! Listen! I can make chipmunk sounds!!!! *chipmunk sounds repeatedly*”
  • Note on Father’s Day: “Dear Dad: Roses are red. Violets are blue and so are you. You tot me how to swim. You bot me a lot of suff. I really love you and I always will. You are the best dad in the world. Thank you for ever thing you do for me. I see you in your underwear.”
  • “Is he still alive?” asks The Youngest, age 5, in a worried voice, when I said, “Guess what happened to Daddy today?”
  • “I’d dump a bag of sugar down my throat and cartwheel out the door,” says The Youngest, age 7, when asked what she would do if she could do anything she wanted.
  • “When (my sister) is older, she is going to babysit me and we are going to watch movies and eat popcorn. She might even let me have a dog,” says The Youngest, age 4.
  • “A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a predator, just opening his pack,” says The Youngest, reciting Twas the Night Before Christmas.
  • “I call it boring clothes for women,” says The Oldest, describing Reitmans.
  • “Um, actually, there is. Getting thrown up on,” says The Youngest when I told her there’s nothing worse than getting a hair stuck in your mouth.
  • “Oh my God,” I said, as I peered out the window to see the landscapers doing something to our bedding area that I wasn’t sure I liked. “Can I say F.U.C.K?” asked The Youngest, age 7.
  • “I am going to see what is dirt and what is bruises,” says The Youngest, washing her knees in the tub.
  • “I wish I was a boy,” The Youngest told me this morning. “Then I wouldn’t have to show my butt to all those doctors like you did.”
  • “Mom, I think you should google ‘how to take care of the lawn’. It might tell you how to make the lawn nice and get rid of all those dandelions,” says The Oldest.
  • “Is that what you do? Google all your problems?” says The Oldest.
  • “So far today I have folded the laundry and did the dishes. I feel like you Mom,” says The Oldest
  • “Do you like doing this with me? Because it looks like you are bored,” says The Youngest as I watch her draw a picture for her “Fantastic Frog Facts” book report.
  • “Mommy, I’m glad I am not going commando,” says The Youngest.
  • “‘For my hot wife!’ Ha! Imagine Daddy giving that to you!” says The Youngest, browsing the Valentine’s Day cards this evening at Shoppers Drug Mart.
  • “Do you want honesty?” says The Oldest when I asked her if she could see my panty line through my yoga pants.
  • “Mommy, I want to be at school. I’d rather be doing math than listening to you sing,” says The Youngest..
  • “I can predict the future Daddy,” says The Youngest, age 6. “I predict you don’t want your daughters to fight tonight.”
  • “Love you!” The two words uttered by The Youngest, age 3, to every person who gave her candy tonight while trick or treating.
  • “No. But I want to,” says The Youngest, caught red-handed with an open bottle of maple syrup in her hand, when I asked, “Did you drink syrup from the bottle?”
  • “Mom, what’s the upside of driving your car off a cliff?” asks The Youngest out of the blue, a few days after I told her there’s a good side and a bad side to everything.
  • “Mommy, I am dreaming of a better world where no one is throwing garbage on the ground, the fields aren’t wet and muddy and there are no hyenas, bears or wolves,” says The Youngest.
  • “I’m playing teacher,” says The Youngest as I walk into her bedroom. “You are stepping on the kids.”
  • “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” screams The Oldest as I rush to the living room to see what’s wrong. “I’ve been holding that in all week.”
  • “I could stay here forever and cuddle with you and not get bored,” says The Oldest, snuggling up to me on the new couch. “Just hungry.”
  • “I just couldn’t stop eating bacon. I love bacon,” says The Youngest when I asked her if she would ever consider becoming a vegetarian.
  • “Don’t believe it Mommy. It’s full of lies,” says The Oldest, about a government brochure touting the benefits of learning math
  • “About women. You know some places where women don’t have independence? How come the men there don’t think about the fact that they come from women?” says The Oldest.
  • “I can’t think,” says The Youngest, age 6, tired after a long day. “You know that thought bubble above your head? Mine just broke and smashed on my head.”
  • “I am not going to be an annoying teenager,” The Youngest informed me tonight.
  • “I wish I could just dump all that down my throat,” says The Oldest, age 8, while stirring a butter and sugar mixture for cookies we were baking.
  • “There’s so much food in your hair that I could turn it into a salad,” says The Oldest to her sister after dinner.
  • “What do Mommies do all day?” I ask The Youngest, age 4. “Wash dishes,” she replies. “What about Daddies?” I ask. “Do their e-mail,” she says.
  • “Stop! Fall down! Think about water!” The Oldest, age 6, shouted at her sister , 3, who was in the midst of a tantrum.
  • “Let’s get hoppin’ and let’s get shoppin’!” says The Oldest, age 7.
  • “When I grow up, I am going to have five babies. You can help me take care of them,” says The Youngest, age 5.
  • “Can I carol to you while you are peeing?” says The Oldest, age 8, carrying the song sheet for her upcoming Christmas concert as she stands outside the bathroom door.
  • “I want a beer mug,” says The Youngest, choosing a cup to take to kindergarten.
  • “Aren’t you a little too old for that?” says The Oldest when I asked her if she’d like another baby brother or sister.
  • “You’ll get hit by a car and then you will be as flat as a pancake. Maybe even flatter,” says The Oldest, age 6, warning her little sister about the hazards of walking on the road.
  • “Princesses don’t jog. They stroll on the balcony,” says The Oldest, age 7.
  • “Are you absolutely positive about that?” says The Oldest after I answered her question about how babies get out of their mothers’ bellies.
  • “You’re giving me lots of commands. I’m not your servant, you know,” says The Oldest, age 7.
  • “I’ll come back, but you’ll have to tell me if you move,” says The Oldest when asked if she would come back to visit her parents after she grows up.
  • “Mom, do you need to go to a spa?” says The Youngest, age 3, at the end of a particularly long day.
  • “Mommy, I’m not scared of anything,” says The Youngest, age 3.
  • “If you are buying a lipstick, then we get one too,” says The Youngest, age 4.
  • “Does that include the people watching at home?” says The Oldest, age 8, when I tell her about one billion people watched the Oscars.
  • “Will you write it down then?” asked The Oldest when I refused to say the “bad word” that Melissa Leo said on the Oscars.
  • “She’s mostly happy,” wrote The Oldest in her school essay about her mother.
  • “I hate shipping and taxes!” says The Oldest.
  • “Crap Eater,” says The Oldest as I throw a bag of Party Mix into the grocery cart.
  • “God that was good. Why don’t we drink more?” said my hubby, after enjoying a rare before-dinner rum and coke after a hectic day putting up the Christmas tree.
  • “You have to put on your seatbelt or you’ll be damned,” says The Youngest. She means doomed,” The Oldest clarified.
  • “Mommy says everyone has stinky bum germs, not just me!” The Youngest shouts at her sister.
  • “Mommy, you’ll never let a chicken in the house, right? You’ll just say ‘shooo!’ and lock the door, right?” says The Youngest, age 4.
  • “Mom, you know the Mother’s Day drill – breakfast in bed and then presents right after? Is that what you want this year?” says The Oldest, age 6.
  • “I fell off the chair, but I’m still alive though,” says The Youngest, age 4.
  • “I know what’s fun about being an adult. Having kids and taking care of them,” says The Youngest, age 4.
  • “I want rock ‘n roll!” The Youngest, age 3, shouts from her car seat, after hearing several Celine Dion songs as we drove to the mall.
  • “Mommy, will you hold my nature?” says The Youngest, 4, as she hands me a rock and a stick to carry.
  • “Mama, when I grow up, I want to be a cook, a singer and a magician, and I am going to live in a rainbow house that I builded myself,” says The Youngest, age 4. “I’ll have to take building lessons first.”
  • “I bet Daddy’s glad he didn’t have to get his stomach ripped open,” says The Oldest when I explained to her that she was born via c-section.
  • “Where can I put these that Daddy can’t reach?” says The Youngest, handing me the last of her Christmas Hershey’s Kisses.
  • “The word epic is actually epic. It’s weird,” says The Youngest.
  • “It’s 5 o’clock and I haven’t had any sugar yet!” says The Oldest, in tears, overtired after a busy pre-Christmas week that obviously involved a lot of sugary treats.
  •  “In my world, one week is like 800 million hundred thousand days, except when you are on vacation. Then, a week is like three seconds,” says The Youngest.
  • “That seems a bit extreme,” says The Oldest when I tell her and her sister that if they don’t stop fighting they won’t get any of the cinnamon buns we are baking plus I will force them to watch me eat one too.
  • “Mommy! I am really hungry. I’ve been awake for three minutes!” says The Youngest.
  • “Get that out of my face! Do you know what personal space is?” says The Oldest to The Youngest.
  • “What are you thinking about right now?” I asked The Oldest today. “Opening presents,” she replied. “What are you thinking about?”  I asked her sister. “Butter,” she said.
  • “Newsflash. I am a teenager,” says The Oldest, age 9, when I remarked that her bed was still unmade at 3 p.m.
  • “I don’t think I will be cute when I am old, like when I am really old like you,” says The Youngest.
  • “Love me less,” says The Youngest when I refused to buy her processed cheese dip and crackers for school snacks by telling her I loved her too much to feed her an unheallthy food filled with chemicals.
  • “No slide tackling?” says The Youngest when I asked the girls for suggestions for our house rules other than ‘no hitting or name-calling’.
  • “Seriously? This is how you did my hair?” says The Youngest, age 6, when she catches a glimpse of the “bun” I put in her hair so it would not get wet in the tub.
  • “Where’s the guy with the dog?” says The Youngest. She was talking about her father.
  • “He knows his fairies,” says The Oldest, complimenting her father for being the one to find the perfect gold, frilly ribbon to decorate our cabin at the fairy-themed Brownie camp this weekend.
  • “My driver’s license,” says The Youngest when asked what she wanted most for her 6th birthday.
  • “Why don’t men realize that women made them? They came from women. Why do they think they have all the power?” asks The Oldest.
  • “Mom, my sister looked at me and said ‘I love my new sandals’ in a tone that says ‘I have new sandals and you don’t’,” says The Oldest.
  • “Is this what parents always talk about? Food?” says The Oldest.
  • “That means you’ve got to put your ta-tas on lockdown,” says The Oldest when I tell her I am going for a run.
  • “If my sister tied me to a post outside, would you free me?” asks Avery.
  • “Guess what?! Daisy will smell your vagina!” The Youngest excitedly tells a friend about our dog.
  • “When I grow up, will I go into heat?” asks The Youngest.
  • “Stop talking to me like you are a serious businesswoman!” shouts The Oldest to the Youngest.
  • “In my dream world, my sister is always two and she just says ‘ya, ya, ya’ to everything I say,” says The Oldest.
  • “I didn’t call her stinky bum. I was merely singing ‘poopy bum’ to myself,” says The Oldest.
  • “I’m not allowed to watch that. The girl sprays whipped cream from her bra,” says The Oldest when her father played a Katy Perry song on Youtube.
  • Yes, but I am not having a good Roll up the Rim to Win week,” says The Youngest when I ask her if she is having a good March Break.
  • What happens if a person dies and you are holding on to them? Do you go with them?” asks The Youngest.
  • “Mom, how long is an age? You know, like I haven’t seen you in an age?” says The Oldest.
  • “I want to have every single thing in the world. My sister can have, um, five things,” says The Youngest.
  • “You were cute until you grew up,” says The Oldest to the Youngest.
  • Well then why don’t they call it Bad Friday?” says The Oldest when I told her the meaning behind Good Friday.
  • “My head is annoying me,” The Youngest, age 5, informed me tonight. “I keep thinking about the Titanic.”
  • “I really hate to admit it but she reads with a lot of expression,” says The Oldest upon hearing The Youngest’s rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas
  • Men?” says The Oldest when I read this line from the Christmas story for the first time: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.”
  • I don’t believe her. Do you?” says The Youngest when The Oldest told me she brushed her teeth.
  • “I’m usually nice,” says The Youngest after being sent to her room for bad behaviour.
  • “Daddy dragged me to Future Shop!” sobs The Oldest when I find her crying on the couch and ask her what’s the matter.
  • “Grabbing by the neck isn’t technically choking, Mom,” says The Oldest, trying to defend her actions in a fight tonight with her sister.
  • “Blah, blah, blah,” says The Oldest when I warn her she may trip if she doesn’t tie her shoelaces.
  • “Well, the good thing is, at least it tasted like hot chocolate,” says The Oldest, looking on the bright side after she threw up immediately after drinking hot chocolate.
  • “Can someone toot in amazement? Because I just tooted when you told me that,” says The Oldest.

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