The Long Way Home

Random excerpts from a Mom on a winter road trip in a small car with two young daughters:

Okay, are we ready to go?

No, we can’t leave your sister on PEI so you can have the backseat to yourself.

Did everyone go to the bathroom? We won’t be stopping until Sackville.

No, she is not touching you. Not one little bit.

Okay, I’m putting the dog between you. She’s the dividing line.

We’re not getting any Timbits.

Because you’ve had enough treats over the holidays.

Coffee is not a treat. It’s a necessity for parents at the start of a road trip.

Well, sometimes life isn’t fair.

Are you kidding me? No, we are not there yet. We just left Granny’s house 10 minutes ago.

Oh, you are kidding me. You little monkey.

What do you mean you have to go to the bathroom? Why didn’t you go at Granny’s house? Why didn’t you tell me 15 mins ago when we were at Tim’s? You’re just going to have to hold it.

Good heavens! What’s wrong?

You can’t shriek in the car just because you dropped your iPod on the floor. You can’t shriek at all. Daddy might get into an accident while he’s driving.

No, you can’t unbuckle your seatbelt to pick it up. It’s not safe.

Ok, calm down. Deep breaths. I’ll see if I can reach it.

You’ll just have to wait until we stop and pick it up then. It’s not safe to pull over on the highway.

Calm down. Deep breaths. Why don’t you play dolls with your sister?

Would you please keep your voices down back there? It’s hard for Daddy to drive with all that noise.

What do you mean it’s the dolls that are making the noise and not you? Please keep it down.

Can the dolls not talk in regular voices? Why do they have to have baby voices?

Now what’s wrong?

Let me get this straight. Your doll spoke to your doll with a rude tone in her voice?

I refuse to referee fights between dolls. Figure it out. Quietly.

Enough! Do you want your father to stop the car? Do you?

Yes, I know I said it’s not safe to pull the car over on the highway, but we’ll do it anyway if you don’t stop fighting. I mean it!

What do you mean you don’t believe me?

I am not sighing.

You are about to pee your pants? And you feel like you are going to throw up?

I am not mumbling bad words under my breath.

You have to wear your coat into the gas station.

Because it’s minus 25 with the wind chill. That’s why.

Do you both feel better? Okay, pick a snack. A healthy one.

You know Cheez Doodles are not healthy. Neither are those Turtles.

I have not been eating Turtles for breakfast all week.

I ate them only on Christmas Day. Okay, maybe Boxing Day too. But they are gone now.

Let’s get back in the car. Be careful the dog doesn’t eat your cheese.

Aaack! What’s wrong now?

Well, you can’t hold the cheese near the dog’s face and expect her not to eat it.

We’re not stopping again until we get home.

You won’t die of hunger in the two hours it takes to get home.

Oh my. Two more hours til we get home.

Li’l Girl Talk

“I can predict the future Daddy,” says The Youngest. “I predict you don’t want your daughters to fight tonight.”

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